‘There is this one photograph…that is just beautiful. It would be impossible to describe how beautiful it is, but I’ll try. If you listen to the song ‘asleep,’ and you think about those pretty weather days that make you remember things, and you think about the prettiest eyes you’ve known, and you cry and the person holds you back, then I think you will see the photograph.’
(via The Perks of Being a Wallflower)

One day I’ll see it, for that I’m sure.

xx.

‘Be patient towards all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.’

-Rainer Maria Rilke

Blessed 20th :> 

Had a great week before summer sem started, spent it with all my favorite people. Shao’s back and Tricia’s coming back soon (: Really looking forward to meet ups with the babies~ 

It’s back to school for me right now, and even though it’s only been 2 days, I feel like time’s corroding at an alarming rate. I barely have time to do anything else but school,study,rest and eat. That is partly because I couldn’t do my readings before school started cause I didn’t have my textbooks. Right now I’m trying to catch up and be on par with, or maybe even be ahead of, the lectures. There goes my free day tomorrow, I be spending it studying. I hope it’s gonna be worth it at the end of the day. 

P.S. If i’m not replying texts/haven’t been talking to anyone for awhile, I’m really sorry but it isn’t intentional, school’s tough.

Withdrawal symptoms; it was really amazing. Maybe even memorable is an understatement. 

I can still feel myself plunging (unintentionally) into the pool of snow and getting my feet and calves all chilly and wet. The breezes caressing my face when I was on the cruise. How I couldn’t breathe when I was at the peak and I knew it wasn’t the altitude but it was me, gasping for air, all exhilarated. It was a kind of ‘feel good’ out of breathe.

I want all of these again. 

I always believed God has the best plans for me, or so I thought. Why ‘thought’? Because despite the knowing that He has great plans for me, plans for me to grow in Christ and to live life significantly, I failed to have faith entirely. ‘I know that God has great plans for me’. I throw that phrase into the air, every single time I get hurt or when things don’t go the way I want them to, as if it only means all that it seems to hint. As time goes by, I say it more often, even more so ignorantly, to the point that it serves nothing more than a buffer between myself and the things I desire but cannot have. 

Questions and doubts started to overwhelm me; my thoughts, they collide with the words I speak. The fact that I wasn’t happy with my life struck me, because the question of whether I truly believed in God was screaming at my face. 

I forgot when exactly it happened, but I guess my thoughts took a change of course over a stretch of time. I think it might have been after my read of a particular book. It was something along the lines of ‘you can’t have faith and be unhappy at the same time’. Indeed, if you believe that you will receive, you must be happy. 

‘I must believe, and I must be happy.’ 

I’m trying. To give thanks every morning for the great day ahead, and every night before bed for the great things that have indeed happened. To be extremely elated when I meet new people instead of pondering over how long it takes for the fervor to grow cold. To know exactly what I want and be proud of not wavering, because nothing beats the feeling of knowing what you want and why you want it. I want life; everything it has to offer, everything it can possibly take away from me. 

God works in magnificent ways, and now I not only know, but I’m sure that I’ve seen. Even when it was apparent that I single-handedly destroyed my own faith, events that summon my courage to trust time and again are planted into my life. When I couldn’t see that whatever was in front of me was not I wanted, and so were the things or people I used to have and could not let go of, God would show me. He showed me what I wanted, so that I would know what I didn’t want.

Flying off tomorrow and I’m dreading it so badly. Europe is too pretty a place to miss home. I love everything about this place; the architecture, the culture, the sights, the pace of life.

And I love the friends I’ve made here.

I remember it was a few posts ago when I was saying how leaving town would make things clearer. Actually, being away is what would make things clear. To loosely quote from Charlie, there’s no reason to put things into perspective because we have to live through it to see the perspectives. A lot of things and people I thought I would miss, I didn’t. Things which I held on to, I learnt to let go. I feel like I’ve made a mistake, but I’m also glad that it wasn’t too far a mistake to hurt anyone.

I lived through it to be able to tell you what I actually did on hindsight, what went on in my head. And now I know I couldn’t have predicted any of those even if I thought I could.

Life it is. A series of tunnels you have to grope through to be able to turn back and look at it in the light when you’re finally through.

Love,
Sandra

P.S I feel like I write better here. It must be the magical powers of the romantic city.

Greetings from France my babies~

I’ve finished reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower during all the long coach rides and I have to admit that it’s one of the best books I’ve read. Extremely simple, but I relate to it so well, all the struggles of growing up and being in love. Not to mention, feeling too much. Charlie feels too much; I feel too much.

I did a lot of thinking. About my life and what I was doing with it; what I wanted in life, what I wanted from love. I realized that all along, I had a choice. In fact, I had many choices, but I just didn’t think I had them. I couldn’t see them, or rather, I didn’t feel like I could one day own them, or own the love that I’ve always pictured. It’s not that I don’t know what I want. I’m just afraid that maybe I might not be worthy of all that I want; that when I visualize what I want, I might not get anything at all.

One of the advice I’ve always given my friends is that ‘if there is no definite answer, then there should be no answer at all, nothing.’ That is, if you struggle with making a choice, then there is in fact no choice to be made. If it’s something which wavers, then I guess there’s nothing at all.

Then I realized that the reason why I always find myself struggling is because I like people way too fiercely without knowing why. Call it immature if you want to, because I hold affection above everything else, which isn’t rational at all. I need to know what I want, and pull away when my expectations are not met.

But now I know what I want. I want everything God would like me to have, the relationships that He will smile at, not those that he would frown upon. And I believe that I’m worthy of those gifts because I am deeply loved by Him, and I have faith that He will present to me the best gifts in life.

Someone whom I don’t have to struggle with loving.

‘And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.’ -The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Love,
Sandra

P.S I don’t wanna leave this place, it’s too pretty.

So I’m leaving on a jetplane~

Airports; they never fail to give me that bittersweet euphoria. Your thoughts settle because you know who are the people you’ll miss, who you’ll want to see the minute you touch down, who you’d want to hear a ‘take care’ from; you finally get it. You understand who is significant and who isn’t. It’s unsettling at the same time though; you don’t know the significance of your absence to the people whom you care about. Do they miss you or do they forget you? Would they want to see you again, as much as you want to see them again?

I’d like to think that things will stay the same.

Ciao, see you guys on the 12th

Perhaps I only understand the smudgeness of it, fragments of the entire picture. But people, they see the whole picture, and they rationalize everything that seems blurry to me. I get it, emotions are objectified by them, because they can and should be, to prevent the scalding of hearts. 

But I don’t only see blurry imageries. I see the creases that people disregard and deem insignificant. I insist that these creases demand attention. I wish people could see the smoked image, and the creases within the picture, because the epitome of my emotions are built upon them.

& I am certain that if I switched emotions with them, they would stop telling me the things I refuse to hear.